Last night, I found God again. Or maybe God found me.
A spiritual guide and dear friend said to me last night that sometimes you don’t have to search for God. She suggested that I try being still, and maybe God would find me. I was struck by that, and a bit dubious. But I decided to try it. Mostly because I trust this woman totally. I would put my soul in her hands, and know it was well-tended. I have done so.
We were at a chamber music concert when we had this conversation. I was brought up with classical music, and find great comfort in it. I can lose myself in it, in a healing way. (Added bonus: the concert happened to be in the sanctuary of a synagogue. God-friendly?)
The music started. I closed my eyes and let it in. Peace flowed through me. Light flowed through me. God breathed breath into my soul. I came back. Darkness and depression lifted. It felt like a mini-miracle. I felt alive again.
After the concert, I went to pick my daughter up at a friend’s house. She knew I had been depressed, and was quite concerned. There have been times in her life when I was almost incapacitated for months at a time. Times when I couldn’t care for her, although I loved her fiercely and unendingly. Times when she needed me and I couldn’t be there. Times when I scared and scarred her. I am not proud of these times. But they are what they are. I try, always, to be open and honest with her about what’s happening as and when it’s happening, in an age-appropriate way.
My child is an exquisitely sensitive soul. Last night, as she was going to sleep, she said to me, “you’re the best mama in the world. No matter what the chemicals in your brain tell you, it’s the truth.” I cried and held her close to me as she drifted off to sleep.
This morning, my daughter told me she had noticed that I was not doing well before the concert, but that I seemed all better when I picked her up. I told her about my not being able to find God, and how the music let God in. She said to me “Maybe depression is when you can’t find God.”
I love my child.
Today, I love my life.