Today, I’m preparing to sell my house. That, in and of itself, is a Big Thing. In the world of a person with ADD, it’s a Huge Thing. And in the world of a person with a trauma history and a lot of baggage – metaphorical, not physical – it’s an Epic Thing.
I don’t transition well. Not even with small changes. I’m one of those “kicking and screaming” transitioners. I have lived in this house for almost 17 years. I moved here, full-time, after my daughter was born, almost 17 years ago, in NYC. NYC – my real home. (See what I mean about the “kicking and screaming” thing?)
This is the only home I have known since I’ve lived in Massachusetts. I moved lot in NYC, starting when I was 20. From my parents’ home in Queens to three different apartments in Brooklyn, and then into Manhattan, also in three different apartments. But none of those moves mattered. New York itself was my home. The city of my birth. The city of my childhood and adolescence. For six years (from age 11 to age 17), I traveled to school on the subway. That’s where I did my growing up. Not in any residence, in particular. On trains, on buses, on streets. With lifelong friends who helped me find my way.
I wasn’t prepared to live in Massachusetts. I didn’t know how to “be” outside of New York (I often still don’t). It’s a very different world here. A strange world with different rules. I haven’t figured them all out yet. I’m still working on it. Slogging away.
It’s a perfect time to do this. Elul – a time of retrospection. A time to ponder. To look at what’s worked and what hasn’t in my life. In the past year – definitely. For me, it’s a time to figure out the work I still need to do. It’s my time to work on me; to move forward toward growth.
So – I’m preparing. Looking at what’s gotten in my way in the past. What I need to be mindful of and about. Trying to be proactive and protective at the same time. Preparing. Yes. That’s what I’m doing.
Once again, I’m participating in #blogElul, which I have followed for a few years. I’ve found it helpful as I ponder and reflect in the month before the High Holidays – Yamim Noraim. Check out some of the amazing themed posts geared around the work and joy of Elul – of introspection and reflection in the days leading to the High Holy Days (Organized by Ima Bima.) You can read prior year #blogElul posts via the Elul tag.