For much of my life, I have searched. For reasons. For answers. For relief.
For a way out of this amorphous pain I felt. An unknown, and un-understood something.
I had no idea what. Or whether. Or why. I knew who. I thought.
I was right about the who. I found out the what. And the whether (yes). But the why?
Never the why.
Never a road to understanding.
I have searched.
My soul. My memory. My history. My “inner child” (who has a name, but I don’t speak it in public).
I have researched. Googled. Read. Looked for clues. For that elusive why.
Do you know what I found?
Sometimes, it doesn’t matter why. Sometimes, it just is.
All that searching. For what?
For an understanding that “why” doesn’t matter.
There is power in knowing.
There is greater power – and freedom – in turning away.
Not back. Not into the pain.
Forward. To a new search.
An “Advanced Search.”
For peace. Trust. Love. Never forget love.
Trust and love – in and for me.
Peace will come.
Not this Elul. Probably not.
It will come.
Because I no longer care why.
Once again, I’m participating in #blogElul, which I have followed for a few years. I’ve found it helpful as I ponder and reflect in the month before the High Holidays – Yamim Noraim. Check out some of the amazing themed posts geared around the work and joy of Elul – of introspection and reflection in the days leading to the High Holy Days (Organized by Ima Bima.) You can read prior years’ #blogElul posts via the Elul tag.